My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts.
A sure-fire way to re-live the past-is to keep thinking about it.
But don’t we learn from our past mistakes Estelle? Isn’t that what we’ve been taught? Hang with me here.
When I was 13 years old I made one of the gravest, most terrible decisions I have made in my entire life. I was at a volleyball camp and I made friends with a girl I truly adored. We had fun, hung out. She happened to be a person of color.
I grew up in a small town. There was little to no diversity. And, being a person of privilege, I hadn’t given it much thought. She was just my friend.
When other ‘popular’ girls at the camp began making fun of her, rather than standing by her. Rather than standing up to those girls, I chose to join in. I made fun of her hair. The girls laughed.
And I never saw my new friend again.
Fast-forward to now. I understand my lack of character in that moment. I understand the ignorance of the small self in me that didn’t understand how painful my thoughtless jab was, especially to a person of color.
I own this. I live with this terrible act. Every day of my life. And I can’t imagine how incredibly painful that moment must have been for her.
But if I choose to stay there. If I choose to lose myself in the pain of this awful act. I cheapen her pain. And I do not allow myself to change. To grow. To be better. To do better the next time.
I do NOT choose to ignore this event. I do NOT choose to pretend it never happened. I choose to be here in my present moment. To live in my now, and to try to be an advocate for those, like my friend, who do not have a voice.
Lesson 8 reminds me that, no matter how painful, living in my mistakes will not change the world for the better. Projecting my shame and blame into my present now will only bring me more of the same. And attempting to release what is no longer mine to live can ensure these present moments will be better than the past-an expression of my Divine self in action.
Namaste dear ones.