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Festering Wounds-Gross

Isn’t it funny when life corrects your deepest fears? Not so much.

The other day I was on a call with some peeps I didn’t know very well. I had trouble getting onto the call & the subject was one close to my heart.

I was late so my energy was already a bit off. After entering and listening to the group chat, my introvert self tentatively put a message in the chat ( I couldn’t quite put myself out there to speak).

Understand, for an introvert doing this in unfamiliar territory can be a bit of a stretch. Immediately the leader (who I admire greatly & wish was my bestie) mentioned there was a preferred framework for our responses. Guess whose response didn’t meet the framework?

Yup. Me.

To my further embarrassment the moderator then posted the rules in chat. Everyone else but me seemed to already know the guidelines.

What followed was a series of even MORE embarrassing internal reactions:

  • Blame-this is supposed to be a group of lightworkers-this was not a very zen way of pointing out my misunderstanding.

  • Shame-I must have missed the rules. Where are the rules? (frantically looks for rules in old emails & website).

  • Child-like pouting-I don’t know why I even try (sighing dramatically). I’ll NEVER put myself out there again.

  • Self-Doubt-They obviously don’t like me. Of course they don’t. Why do I always do the wrong thing? I have nothing important to say. We will never be besties now.

Oh MY. When I write it out it sounds even worse. I was upset for waaay longer than I could have been about that call. Then I decided to ask myself just one question:

What can I learn from this moment?

After I took a little time & space from this moment (aka finished wallowing), I realized the moment revealed something unhealed within myself. The people in this meeting did not intend for me to feel uncomfortable. Quite the contrary, they are exceptionally kind.

But these lessons are like ulcers. Until we acknowledge & treat them appropriately, they can sometimes fester. Even when we don’t realize they are there.

Then, when a moment outside of our normal experiences occur, this awareness bleeds.

Here’s what I learned: we can choose to use these moments as teaching moments. We are all students of our experiences. And we bring to us what we need most to learn.

For me, I recognized that my self-worth does not belong in the hands of others. No matter how lovely they are. It belongs centered right smack dab in best self.

And when we put ourselves out there, we might mis-step. And it’s ok. We fall. We ‘mess up’. We find our courage. We rise again.

My hope is that I can eventually find the courage to be kind to myself in these pivotal moments. I think we can all eventually learn to take a step back, when ready, and find where we can heal. That we will cauterize our wounds to bring even more joy to a better tomorrow.

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